By Joel Elkins, Torah passages read by Larry Herman, Simchat Torah, October 15, 2025
That concludes the Torah reading. For those of you who didn’t understand all the Hebrew, this year we here at Temple Beth Am are providing a special service of an English rendition, complete with commentary. Video of the service follows this text.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.
SHHH, NO SPOILERS. I HAVEN’T READ IT YET.
And the earth was without form, and void
LIKE THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY
And darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God was on the face of the waters.
AND J.D. VANCE WAS ON “THE FACE OF THE NATION”
And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light.
DIDN’T HE HAVE “THE CLAPPER”?
And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness. And God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night.
AND THE IN BETWEEN HE CALLED FRED
And it was evening and it was morning, the first day.
NO BUM-PA-DUM??
And God said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters.
H2O ÷ H2O = 1?
And God made the firmament, and divided the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament: and it was so.
A FIRMAMENT SANDWICH
And God called the firmament Heaven.
AND THE 405 DURING RUSH HOUR HE CALLED HELL
And it was evening and it was morning, the second day.
AFTER CREATING HEAVEN AND EARTH, YOU CAN CALL IT A DAY
And God said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry land appear: and it was so. And God called the dry land Earth; and the gathering together of the waters was called the Seas: and God saw that it was good.
AND WHEN THE WAVES WERE GNARLY, IT WAS EPIC
And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit after his kind, upon the earth: and it was so. And God saw that it was good.
WELL, EXCEPT BRUSSEL SPROUTS
And it was evening and it was morning, the third day.
HALFWAY THERE!
And God said, Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs
LIKE “NO VACANCY”
And God made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night: he made the stars also.
AND THOSE WHO WEREN’T QUITE STARS BUT STILL HAD DREAMS TO SOME DAY MAKE IT BIG
And God set them in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth, And to rule over the day and over the night, and to divide the light from the dark
SEPARATE BUT EQUAL
And God saw that it was good. And it was evening and it was morning, the fourth day.
T.G.I.W.
And God created great whales, and every living creature that moveth in the waters, and winged birds that fly in the sky above the earth.
AND PENGUINS, WHICH RESISTED CATEGORIES
God saw that it was good.
FINGER-LICKING GOOD
And God blessed them, saying, Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the waters in the seas, and let fowl multiply in the earth.
CUZ I’M HUNGRY
And it was evening and it was morning, the fifth day.
PERFECT. NOW STOP RIGHT THERE, GOD, BEFORE YOU DO ANYTHING STUPID
And God made the beast of the earth after his kind, and cattle after their kind, and every thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind: and God saw that it was good.
AND THEN, AFTER GETTING DRUCK, HE MADE THE DUCK-BILLED PLATYPUS
And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness
WHO IS US, KIMOSABE?
So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him
SO GOD SITS ON THE COUCH AND SCRATCHES HIS BALLS TOO?
And God said, It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a fitting mate for him.
QUICK, TIDY UP. THE MISSUS IS COMING!
So while he slept, God took a rib from man and fashioned a woman
A BONE-AFIDE BEAUTY
The two of them were naked, the man and the woman, yet they felt no shame.
BECAUSE THEY HAD JUST BEEN TO THE GYM THAT DAY
And God blessed them, and God said unto them, “Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth”
WHY ARE ONLY THE HAREDIM AND MORMONS PAYING ATTENTION?
And subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and dominate every living thing that moveth upon the earth.
SOMEHOW CATS DIDN’T GET THE MESSAGE
And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for food.
THAT’S NOT FOOD. THAT’S WHAT FOOD EATS!
And God saw everything that he had made, and, behold, it was very good.
SOME MORE VERY GOOD THAN OTHERS
And it was evening and it was morning, the sixth day.
NOW THE REAL WORK BEGINS – PREPARING FOR SHABBOS
And on the seventh day God ended His work which He had done, and He rested on the seventh day from all His work which He had done.
AND THEN IT HIT HIM – THIS’LL MAKE A GREAT BOOK!
COME BACK NEXT WEEK FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER
WE CAN GO ON ALL YEAR