Vayigash

By Carl Sunshine for Vayigash, Exodus 47-48, January 4, 2025

I would like to examine this week’s parshah with you on the double occasions of my 75^th birthday, and my retirement from 50 years of professional work. I consider myself very fortunate in my life path to date, and reaching these major milestones has stimulated considerable reflection. So I hope you will indulge me in listening to some suggestions on how to apply the lessons of this parshah to our own lives.

First let us examine key points of the text, with my thanks to Robert Alter for some of his notes.

Jacob says (Genesis 47, 9) “The years of my sojourn (ger) are 130; Few and evil have they been, nor have they come up to my fathers.”

This seems to indicate that Jacob was not very happy with how his life worked out. A brief recap indicates the following key points:

• He obtained the birthright that would have belonged to his elder brother, but had to contend with his brother to get it and experienced much fear and guilt.
• He married his beloved Rachel, but had to accept Leah first.
• He won his struggle with an angel, and gained a new name, but was left wounded.
• He had 12 sons and one daughter, but there was much fighting among them and little love for their father.
• He obtained great wealth, but could not settle in a place of his own.

In short, it seems he achieved great success, and he got everything he wanted, but had more pain than contentment in the process.

What are some lessons we might take from this on how to have a good life?

1. Be fair in your dealings, or expect to live with guilt and the fear of retribution.
2. Do not show unwarranted favoritism with spouses or children.
3. It is hard to overcome behavior we have learned when growing up. I will elaborate on this point with some comments from Dvora Weisberg, who explains that Jacob was raised in a home in which each parent favored one of the children, deeply damaging Jacob and Esau’s relationship. Yet Jacob repeats the same dangerous behavior with his sons. His behavior demonstrates how easy it is to repeat known patterns, even destructive ones, rather than creating new ones. Jacob may recognize that his parents’ favoritism adversely affected their children, but he knows no other model for relationships, certainly not seeing them during his stay with his devious uncle Laban. So Jacob repeats his parents’ behavior with both his wives and his children, and thus lives in a household full of resentment and jealousy. The Torah teaches us that changing one’s behavior is not easy. Change requires more than rejecting old ways; it requires us to actively search out new ways to behave, that can create positive relationships with those around us.
4. Enjoying polygamy is difficult and should be undertaken only with careful thought and mutual support of all parties.
   • To see examples of problems, think of Elkanah and Hannah, or David and his many wives, or the scandals emerging from splinter groups of the Mormon church.
   • In our current world, we can extend this caution to polyamory, which is a social relationship among more than two people of any gender identity.
5. Striving mightily for a victory or a new identity can leave you wounded. We should weigh the potential gain against the potential loss. Sometimes it may be best to leave well enough alone.

The strongest lesson overall that I take away from this story is to practice gratitude, to appreciate and enjoy the blessings we have. Yes, we sometimes suffer painful or untimely losses, or have some serious afflictions, but there is much good and pleasantness for most of us. The universe in all its intricacy and co-dependencies is amazing to behold and be part of. We are blessed every morning when we wake up and everything in our body works, the sun shines, the wind blows, and the birds sing. We have incredible varieties of food to eat, beds to sleep in, and houses without bugs.

Here is an example of gratitude from the Babylonian Talmud tractate Berakhot:

How much effort did Adam the first man exert before he found bread to eat: He plowed, sowed, reaped, sheaved, threshed, winnowed in the wind, separated the grain from the chaff, ground the grain into flour, sifted, kneaded, and baked and only after all this could he eat. And I, on the other hand, wake up and find all of these done for me.

If we cultivate an attitude of appreciation, our days will be happier.

We can help our own sense of appreciation by making a point to praise and thank others, rather than sitting silent or focusing on any shortcomings. This will also help develop their feelings of value and satisfaction.

We can find many ways to help those less fortunate and to share earth’s bounty more equitably.

Balance is another important topic to me in my introspection. I can’t resist sharing a quip I found in my research on what defines a well-balance Jew: It is one who has a chip on both shoulders!

More seriously, I have found that life is richest when personal, family, community, and work are in a good ratio. If you are careful, you can have it all, or at least some of it all. Find a mix that fits your personality, balancing desire to excel, pride, and self-confidence with humility, enjoying what you have, and effort to help others. This is really hard for most of us; so don’t expect to ever be perfect at it. It helps to have a partner or friends who can offer advice. “Who is wise? Those who learn from everyone.”

For someone approaching their allotted four score of years, the topic of end of life arrangements looms large. Jacob requests specific burial arrangements, and makes sure there is time for a final meeting and blessings with his family members. It can be difficult to contemplate these matters before need, but it makes for a better outcome when they inevitably arise. So document a financial plan, health directives, and your desired housing and burial arrangements. Discuss them with family and friends so your wishes (and theirs) are known and can be respected. Share your family stories and write an ethical will for your family.

I will close by noting how the Jacob story is a premier example of how our Torah portrays complex characters and situations with both laudable and regrettable characteristics. Thus we can learn to emulate the former and be better prepared to avoid the latter.

Shabbat Shalom