Simchat Torah 5780
By Joel Elkins, October 22, 2019
Welcome to Last Week Tonight. I’m John Oliver Shalom, sitting in for Carl Dodi.
Original Creation: It’s that thing you are forced to do when you’ve completely run out of sequels and reboots to make.
This week, the creator-in-chief was extra busy, creating time, space, the heavens, the earth, and sliced bread. We have high hopes for that last one, believing it will be the standard by which everything else will be compared.
The celestial senate acted quickly to approve the creations, declaring each to be “good” and, in the case of mankind, “very good.” Based on that, the creator-in-chief created and then tweeted the thumbs up emoji no less than 8 times over the course of the week.
However, the votes were strictly along party lines, the opposition calling each day’s creation either “flawed” or, in the case of mankind, “very flawed.”
Let’s briefly go over the events of the week. On day one, the creator-in-chief created light, and then separated the light from the dark, apparently so that they could be washed separately.
In order to do so, the creator-in-chief had to create water, which she immediately separated into two: hot (for the light) and cold (for the dark). (Later she would have to create a gentle cycle for delicates, also known as millennials, but that’s for another time.)
At this point the opposition tried to filibuster any further creation, but was unsuccessful because, alas, that had not been invented yet. So instead they did whatever was in their power to undermine them.
For example, on the next day the creator-in-chief created vegetation: fruits, vegetables, grains. In response, the opposition created peanut allergies and sensitivity to gluten.
Not to be outdone, the following day the creator-in-chief created the sun, the moon and the stars. In response, the opposition created Sun-yung Moon and reality TV stars.
Next, the creator-in-chief created birds to fill the sky, fish to fill the seas and crawly things to fill her moat.
And then all the other animals, male and female (or non-binary). The creator-in-chief told them to be fruitful and multiply. “Just up my alley,” said the rare East African strawberry-flavored abacus monkey. And it was still all good.
Not leaving well enough alone, the creator-in-chief then decided to create mankind, in her image. Think about this, mankind was created in God’s image. This can only mean one thing: God must also have earwax. Hashtag: #godhasearwax
As with the animals, she instructed mankind to be fruitful and multiply, but also to subdue the earth and to eat of its blessings. The earth held a press conference to announce that it was not going down without a fight.
Then, the Torah says, and I quote:
וַיְכֻלּ֛וּ הַשָּׁמַ֥יִם וְהָאָ֖רֶץ וְכָל־צְבָאָֽם:
וַיְכַ֤ל אֱלֹהִים֙ בַּיּ֣וֹם הַשְּׁבִיעִ֔י מְלַאכְתּ֖וֹ אֲשֶׁ֣ר עָשָׂ֑ה וַיִּשְׁבֹּת֙ בַּיּ֣וֹם הַשְּׁבִיעִ֔י מִכָּל־מְלַאכְתּ֖וֹ אֲשֶׁ֥ר עָשָֽׂה:
וַיְבָ֤רֶךְ אֱלֹהִים֙ אֶת־י֣וֹם הַשְּׁבִיעִ֔י וַיְקַדֵּ֖שׁ אֹת֑וֹ כִּ֣י ב֤וֹ שָׁבַת֙ מִכָּל־מְלַאכְתּ֔וֹ אֲשֶׁר־בָּרָ֥א אֱלֹהִ֖ים לַֽעֲשֽׂוֹת
So, apparently, at this point somebody, we don’t know who, made kiddush.
And the creator-in-chief’s week came to a close. All told, She created time, space, the universe and everything in it. In comparison, my week consisted of unsuccessfully arguing with a representative from Spectrum to get a refund for my cable service because the reason I had gotten it in the first place couldn’t protect a 2 run lead with 6 outs to go. So my week wasn’t quite as productive, but at least I didn’t create mosquitoes.
This is John Oliver Shalom, sitting in for Carl Dodi, until next week.